Sunday, March 18, 2018

Paralysis

I am caught, like a frightened animal.
Image result for fear and paralysis quote
I stare, my heart racing, the corners of my eyes twitching. 
My peripheral vision slowly dissolves into blackness, and I am aware only of what is in front of me. 
Only, there's nothing there. There doesn't have to be. My brain is not deterred by such things as reality, because a brain like mine works in reverse: the fear comes first and then the threat. 
What to do? There are options. One: I can stay still, waiting until the feeling subsides and I am able to move again. Nothing has changed, nothing resolved or accomplished. I have simply survived until the next time. Two: I frantically search for something, anything to fill the void and distract me from this fear. Usually that something is food, sometimes it's distraction in the form of the internet or searching for a new job, doing so as if the room was on fire and those were the only things that could save me. 
I am so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being afraid. 
I feel so stuck: I am backed into a corner of my life and all I have to do is figure out what will set me free. But when I try to determine what that is, the monsters in my head start dancing around, banging on pots and pans, screaming and roaring so loudly that I have no choice but to promise not to try to escape again. They tell me I should be happy with the beautiful corner they've built just for me and how dare I think of leaving it? 
But my life is not meant to be lived in a corner, is it?